Intro

Intro
Hello there dear readers. For you wondering what I am to do with two blogs – the answer is easy. I am gradually entering my own private hell. I believe my personal life belongs to the first web creation of mine. THE LFB AGENDA FOR LIFE ON EARTH THE NEXT 4 YEARS
That blog is my first attempt in public to psychoanalyze everything about myself and my surroundings – it’s first and foremost a document that is meant to create a special trust and respect for truth as hard as it can be. The first blog is chaotic and everywhere. One day it’s my x, then there are conspiracies, all kinds of theories and hypothesizes. There’s a but here: I was very psychologically ill when I wrote and since every day is put together from happenings mostly not linked to one’s own will. On some occasions one is far away from where it goes down. And when it comes to the things you do think you control – the control can only get partial at best if there’s other people involved in the issue. Most people socialize and therefore risk having to be surprised in both good and bad ways.
What do I know? Well, I stopped socializing, turned to drugs and madness and in paranoia I decided to exclude people and thereby a helluva lot of randomness. Ok then. Being alone and in control. For how long? I’ve been in relationships with women (living with three different over some 13-14 years). There’s a lot to say about these three very different personalities, but the most important figure in this context is my recent x – the mother of my child. Anyway – control is an absolute illusion when it comes to other people and their free will within the same spacetime as your own. I must say: Three relationships and I always felt alone. I mean, 1997 where this story begins freaked me out existentially a lot because my girlfriend wasn’t really that into me. I had a deep crisis and I was vulnerable and treated bad. Roskilde-festival in Denmark, some Mexican mushrooms and Beastie Boys sorta combined with anger, jealousy and disappointment turned out to be somewhat more heavy than I could imagine. I was supposed to be tough and relentless for an image. Standing there looking like a fool crying I bailed on the Beastie Boys and fled to my van and locked myself inside with a piece of paper. I said to myself that suffered from a massive badtrip and that I needed so bad to fix whatever made me nr 2 in every setting. Under the influence of psychedelic shrooms I was honest towards myself for a short while when I sat in my van locked inside drenched in tears. I came to that she was not being nice at all with all her attention directed on everybody else all the time. I wanted a girlfriend who liked me. Before I knew it I suddenly realized that my self esteem wasn’t really all that to show for. A guy can spend a lifetime in denial of this fact and those who have confidence often have too much of it so that you could say it was artificial confidence. What on Earth could boost my confidence enough to get out of the car, for example?
I cried, pulled my hair and I had nothing to hold on to. I wrote keywords on the paper. I drew lines and I found that I had the perfect reason to think good about myself. At least good enough to deserve better. I found that as long as I could say that I really loved people in general without telling a lie – I was probably better and more aware at this stage already. This festival took two other guys I know on the trips of their lives. As far as I know they still suffer from not coming down ever. Me? Wish I could stay there too – just to have an excuse being a loon. In many ways this horrible experience still lasts. Certain people don’t even speak to me still and what I discovered in my mind that summer was huge. I just knew I was on to something basic and good as to understand myself and those around me. For many years up until this very moment I’ve been alone even though my last x had three kids + ours. Alone simply because you never get the feeling that anybody cares or that they are wiser than yourself in any way. So it’s always down to me and I cannot escape my body or brain no matter what I consume. That’s why I have been depressed since 13. If you know who I am and followed my work you probably appreciate that I did what was considered impossible by every human on this planet including myself most of the time. Fear and doubt of making wrong choices makes one afraid of the choice itself because all choices contain risk. I have extensive experience on not taking a choice and what I learned from that is what I’m gonna blog about here. In this blog I can tell everything nice and easy from beginning to now chronologically. Combined with the other blog that goes back and forth in time all the time – you will see that this story will get different. Two main reasons. I think I needed things to be as they were and when one points out one self as the messenger of truth – everybody is gonna panic when it seems to be true. That’s why I spent so much effort on being personal because you needed to know that you could trust my intentions for taking over the world for a little while. What I had to do was be psychotic and on drugs all these years without actually hurting anyone, losing my driver’s license or doing jailtime. So – from a point of view I should be ok, but it was a long way I needed you to go with those trust-issues of yours. The good news here in The Second Wave is that now that you have gotten to know me and my past – I can share freely in a somewhat more comfortable way from the start.
By now I figure my dog understands me easier than any of the three x’s. I don’t really need to say stuff or repeat myself or nag in any way. My suspicion was for a long time that there really was something wrong with me, but my first psychosis revealed another universe inside my mind. I chose back then Christmas 1998 that I’d rather stay in my fantasies than trying to reach out for other people to give you a touch of recognition in return. What I suspected turned out to be partially true. To some extent one is depending on positive feedback on your personality in particular from others regarded as important for some reason. So I basically started to look up to myself instead. This competition meant sense. You know what happened also? I stopped giving a fuck about what everybody else had in their retarded minds.
Luckily for you I had enough with my own and focused totally on being smart. Smart is avoiding risk. Then you get lonely, but you know what? As long as I’m ok with thinking I am better than everybody else as in morally superior to any one of you, well then at least I have something to work with. A big ego is not the same as a healthy ego. The reason for my “perfection” is because I chose to be imperfect and at the same time keep a philosophy that I can always improve tomorrow. Trick is stop thinking what others are thinking of you and of just about everything else too. When you stop speculating on other people’s minds, you become arrogant among other things. Sometimes this arrogance will serve you well and sometimes not. Alcohol and arrogance is not very smart or healthy.
When you get a bit older than 25 you start to realize how much you don’t know about things. Others don’t care or are in general denial of every suggestion that would reflect negatively on their personal ego. Such behavior is not exactly charming or for that matter, very sophisticated either. So Instead of listening to people talk shit, I isolate and reason with myself. I’ve had every mental experience in the book, so I am no longer afraid of madness or death. What I am afraid of is that I stop caring some day because life taught me to leave my personal feelings behind if I want to stay alive. The day you choose actively not to care is the day you lose yourself.
Where do we start this blog in time? I have this book called Den tapte vitenskap (Lost science)* from 1999. I figure I could probably use webcam to record some sessions with the book because if I don’t translate a bit and pick out the important stuff from the start – then my story will be messed up again. If you’ve seen the LFB Agenda you know that I have a significant amount of work before me because I’d like to end up with the agenda and I will have to continue posting there too because we now have two different concepts to maintain. And you will get to know me as I am supposed to be. The important thing is that we learn from each other. No reasons to be shy – questions regarding these blogs/documents/videos are welcome on email.
*password: ”mindsnare”

Lars

PS: I changed the book from passwordprotected word document to a regular 1MB pdf-file without any restrictions. Enjoy – and please feel free to ask any question.