25th Oct. 2008

Life on earth day 1 (for me anyway)

Next to me lies my comatose lady in sleep. I have put her in a position she won’t suffocate and now I wait. Since we last shared things have been running quickly and irreversible happenings has taken place. I think, well haven’t checked mail yet, but I am not expecting any job-offers. I am that realistic even I can get frantic from time to time. It’s a good thing I am rarely angry and so to speak never hold grudges against people. I sincerely think I could murder the one I am sharing bed with if I was to act upon purely my instinct, but I always have a choice. My kid hasn’t. My mum came here after trying to call several times. I held the child in my bed with specific instructions not to go outside the room because I was terrified of what we were going to find on the couch. I am telling you: What really happened here this night in front of the child and with the child actively used in her sick sick games demand an action. I have been saying that should an offer appear – I’m outta here. Now it does not have anything to do with my existence whatsoever besides the part that I am a dad and she is more important than the ball I am standing on. All I need to do is protect her. By doing so things will work out just fine. To make it short: I told her the other night and this night she hadn’t got through her thick skull that it was over and my part was just avoiding trouble at all cost. I also told her that I feared her for real. About 2am this night with the kid sleeping in our bed (watching cartoon on tv in our room is cosy in her mind even though she has equipment of her own) she starts a fight and get louder and more physical for every sentence that comes out of her mouth. She asks questions repetingly while one tries to answer another, she twists every single sentence into meaning a dreadful thing and has both accusal and denial as middelnames. I did all I could to plea for little B’s case, but NO – she didn’t give a shit, because no one cared about her. That’s exactly what she said. Besides, me doing stupid things a year ago also often becomes part of her case against me and the “I did because you did”-retorics.

OK I am somewhat mad, but one has to be exploring the forces of the dark side and maintaining some degree of sustainable reality for oneself first and foremost and from there start to take care of your environment through your strength and knowledge of your own capacity to give love. I consider myself a fair man. She has been struggling with my apathy, and that can be very hard, but hardly a reason to exchange love for recent and a sick dependency. My notion is that this human being never did feel love and that makes me sad. What makes me ripped to pieces again and again many times a second is when she gets agitated enough to pick up a hammer, a wrench, a kitchen- or workingknife that can both be cut and stabbed with. On the other hand is there a level of safety because a hammer or a wrench can be thrown and so can glass and pottery. Little B was so scared when daddy as calm as he could possibly be with a person in such a frenzy, tried to stop her from fetching metal objects in a toolbox and her from repatedly banging her forehead into the closet on the far side of the door. 5 minutes ago she had swallowed all our arsenal of psycho-prescribed drugs (it must have been at least a 100 pills) in the middle of the night and now she wanted to tell Little B that mommy was gonna go away and sleep with angels for a while. Can you imagine what I am feeling like right now? This is some 14 hours later. She’s on the couch – stabile position, breathing perfectly normal and has a normal body temperature. Having problems finding a pulse, but I am not exactly used to look for one and she does have thick blood/low pressure properties I know for a fact, but I am still not a doctor. She threatened to take the child away again, she told me I could never see Little B’s three halfbrother and sisters again and she was gonna make life a living hell for me. It’s either that or calling the police that are the standard threats she has. She knows that if she call the PD they come and get her – she gets to keep the child and a lot of human resources in the system feel sorry for her a couple of days until she gets bored or horny or what do I know really? She comes back tries to take it easy and fails at first try. Always. I have no experience whatsoever that this problem is going to go away even though it swings in intensity and we were violence-free for almost two years.

Anyway, in a move I managed to separate the kid from mom screaming of pain to each other – twisted the knife she threatened both herself and me with out of her hands – tossed it gently across the room. Then I maximized all my will and musclepower to open the door and get her out of the room. She was almost out standing on all four limbs refusing to let go of her grip. With one single hard heelkick in the butt she was out apparently in severe agony from the kick I just gave her. The door (bearing vicious hammerbeating-marks and being taped up from splinters once etc.)was between mom/dad and Little B. She was scared out of her mind that daddy was gonna beat on mum because of what she had done and now I apparently had the upper hand. Mom seemed neutralized alright and now I had to see to the child. On the inside I have mounted a solid bolt so no one gets in without smashing the door to pieces again. I put it to use and wrapped myself around my daughter just to hold her and reassure her that she was gonna be ok. Mommy screamed for a while then she became silent. I thought hell no if I get out of that door for any reason. not even saving her life would be good enough for me. Her life? she chose to take it and came after a while crying L, L can you hear me? I need help. Can you help me? Hell no! I don’t want more fear in anyones life. I don’t want paramedics and police trampling around my house in the middle of the night with mom screaming from a stretcher and a child that cries don’t take mom away. All I needed to do was let nature take it’s course and I took care of B. We lay chin to chin whispering comforting things to one another. And the we fell asleep.

My mom “woke” us up after no response per phone. She said I’m taking the kid out for a while, ok? Then she asked me if I was on amphetamines again. I didn’t look her in the eyes. One doesn’t have to when telling the truth. What about her? yes. Is it your fault? Yes. How could you? I don’t know. What’s it gonna take for you to quit? I can choose. Then we have a deal. You choose now – not in one hour! Ok, mom I love you. By the way, I think little B should stay with your brother for a while. I’d hoped things would be better when I came back to my self again. Instead I find myself still divided in the middle, something that evidently will force you to take choices no matter how hopeless the alternatives are.

Have a nice day folks. I envy you. You should be proud and keep on fighting bluffs and lies. You see things are not worse then we make them. Even the Illuminati must have limits to their power,knowledge and understanding of already invented technology. Nevertheless they would have to be fairly predictible, don’t you think? Question: why does journalists make sites like prisonplanet.com? Why not .org or .net? Why do they sell their “knowledge of fear” when serious people give away their thoughts for free? Question: what is a Satanist? Haven’t they figured out that it is only the other half of God? God is blue/purple/red, black/grey/white, man/woman, evil/good lawful/chaotic etc. We are made in his picture and the illum-heads are just a piece of the pyramid puzzle. No idiot satanist is gonna wreck my dreams. That’s for sure.

L from HELL